My parents still form sentences including hypotheticals of me being a lawyer someday. I can’t understand what part of I’m not going back that they aren’t comprehending.
Grades…
are just one more reason I’m super ready to be done with school. They weren’t the most awful thing ever, but they weren’t great by any stretch of the imagination. I hate Con. Law. It ruined my life this semester. Gross.
New Orleans
It used to be my favorite place. I used to come home to be with my friends and family every weekend when I first moved. Now, there’s nothing here for me, and I am constantly plagued by the awful loneliness that is my life here. I know things weren’t the greatest in Baton Rouge lately either, but at least having my space is better than being here. It’s only been a week an a half. I am going to go crazy by mid July. Someone please save me!
Me, Myself, and I
My parents just gave me a hard time - actually, they started a fight - over my going to the movies by myself. I’m really upset by this. Do they not realize this is my life? This is a typical thing. I take myself on dates to the movies, to baseball games, out to eat. I do everything all by my lonesome. What makes me even angrier is the fact that my dad suggested I change something, as if it were my fault I have absolutely no one. They’re stupid. I really don’t think anyone chooses the awful brand of solitude that plagues me. It’s not my fault, and it’s not an easy fix. I do everything alone because I have no one. I’m not entirely sure what it is I’ve done to deserve being thrown out like garbage by everyone I know, but thanks for being oh so sensitive to my current wounds mom and dad. I really, really appreciate how much care there is going around for me right now.
People are stupid; that’s why I’m alone. It’s easier this way.
Four
That’s how many of my presets were playing “Somebody That I Used to Know” just now. I guess it wound up being the perfect song even though I wished it wouldn’t be. Life’s funny like that sometimes.
Fr. Paul and His Awesome Holy Cards
He gave me this little beauty Monday:
Prayer to Know One’s Vocation in Life
Behold me at your feet, O Virgin most kind, seeking to obtain through you, this most important grace of knowing what I ought to do. I desire nothing but to comply perfectly with the Will of your Divine Son at every moment of my life. Mother of Good Counsel, let me hear your voice. It will dispel every doubt that troubles my mind.
I trust in your help, being confident that, since you are the Mother of my Redeemer, you will also be the Mother of my salvation. If you, O Mary, will not send me a ray from your Divine Son, what brightness can enlighten me? Who would direct me if you were to refuse me, you who are the Mother of uncreated Wisdom?
With your maternal heart please listen to my humble prayers. Let me not be lost in my uncertainty and instability; lead me along the straight road that leads to life everlasting. You are my sweet hope, and your hands are filled with the richness of virtue and of life, as you dispense the fruits of honor and holiness. Amen.
My mother is the most horrible singer ever, but it’s really entertaining to watch.
When I finished “Mockingjay” last night, I thought to myself how badly I want someone to love me the way Peeta loves Katniss; then I realized Jesus does, and the rest doesn’t really matter.
Heaven is going to be great.
Stillness
I lay alone in my bed unable to sleep tonight, but I don’t mind so much. Typically I would. Typically my insomnia is a real life ruiner because I sit around thinking and rethinking and driving myself insane with worry about things that are out of my control. It isn’t so bad tonight because in the past week I’ve made some serious life altering but not life shattering decisions, and with those resolutions made, there isn’t anything to worry me or drive me crazy.
If you had asked me beforehand what state I would be in if the events that have transpired in the past week were to have occurred, I would have probably admitted I was likely to be in pieces - what with being betrayed by a confidant, ordering a dear friend to never speak to me again, facing the unavoidable conversation telling my parents I won’t be returning to law school in the fall, and the interior battle I’ve been having about what the hell I’m going to do with myself now, my usual reaction would be complete panic. Not so, though, no so.
I went to see Fr. Paul yesterday, and I was significantly upset as we sorted through it all. However, looking back now, I haven’t been in awful shape over the past week. I don’t really think about any of it, which is strange and amazing for me. I am Miss Obsessive, and the ability to forget about things that are typically so prominent in my mind is nothing short of a miracle.
I don’t think about it. I guess it’s helped that I’ve been shoving Katniss and her problems into my brain nonstop and lifeguard training until I’m too tired to see straight, but still. I don’t think about it, and that is quite an accomplishment.
Now, as I sit here in the dark, I’m not scared to death by the uncharted waters that stretch out before me. I’m intrigued. I still have to talk to my parents, but I’ve already started making attempts to figure out where I will be during my discernment year. I’m working on ways to fund it. I don’t feel even the slightest wince of pain at being away or at not having my friends around. I’ve relied on them too much for too long, and it has done nothing but turn out badly.
So, now it’s time for me to find the stillness, and for the first time in a very long time, the idea of stillness or even the stillness itself doesn’t terrify me. I’m sitting here now and experiencing just about as must peace as I guess I ever have, so I’m not afraid anymore. I am willing to put myself in the quiet where I can really get to the heart of all of this mess. Sure, I’m removing myself from a lot of it - at least that’s the plan - but the idea isn’t to run away. I’m sure I’ll be back, and I made absolutely certain that Fr. Paul approved of this idea. He gave me the golden seal of approval and told me I have a lot to learn and rediscover about myself, and we’re both certain Jesus wants to walk with me if I let him. This is my attempt to let him. I need to put some serious miles in between myself and all of this to give him a shot, though.
I remember a conversation I had with Joe 10 months ago. I was doing so well then. We were both talking about what it was like rediscovering ourselves after we had kind of gotten lost in what other people had made us become. I’ve had another heaping spoonful of that reality since that exchange. I let law school affect me. I let other people’s stupidity get the best of me, and I took a nose dive. Needless to say, I was no longer doing well at all. So, the goal is to find the me I was, the me I loved, the me I want to be. I’m not her right now. I haven’t been in a long time. I’ve fallen and failed to be charitable. I’ve let others manipulate me and belittle and abuse me. I’ve disrespected myself, and I’ve hurt people around me I claim to care about. This is where is ends. The evil one is a sly dog, and I’ve made up my mind than he can’t have even one little part of me for one second longer. It’s over; he’s lost. Death has lost, and Love has won.
It’s going to be a tough road from here. I know the battles that lie ahead. I know it won’t always be easy. It will all plague my mind on some days. The idea of consolation is to save up the strength, stock up the arsenal for when the next attack comes. Bring it. Nothing could shake me now.
Jesus, I trust in you. Whatever you want, I want it. However long you want it for, I want it. Wherever you want me to go, I will follow where you lead. Let the journey begin. It’s about time I started following the only man I should have been all along.
Penance
Fr. Todd is so young but so wise. I was so super thankful to have him around during the most difficult year of my life. I’m going to go enjoy my last day.
“Don’t let your last days here be miserable. Don’t leave here hating it. It’s been a horrible year, probably the worst. Take the time before you leave to say goodbye. Make peace with the law school. Don’t stay angry. Walk around campus and remember the good times you had here. Forgive the people you need to forgive, and say a Divine Mercy Chaplet because you have got to give this all to Jesus.”
